Little Fishes

I recently decided to sign my son up for swim lessons. As I began looking around, I found that the High Desert Oasis was the right place for us. Not only would my son, Kade, receive personal lessons, but she would teach my baby girl, Autumn, at the same time. All she requested of me was that I would be in the pool with her working with Autumn practicing what she taught.

When we arrived for our first session, Mrs. Kristi was super friendly and introduced us to a little gold fish that was given to her by a friend who had moved and couldn't take the fish.

We paid for six lessons and had a blast. My kids were little fishes in the water. They both took to it pretty well. Autumn loved playing and cried at the end of every session when I had to take her out of the water. Kade was splashing and diving underwater in know time, and he was so proud of himself.

At the end of the six sessions, we had a little graduation ceremony for Kade. Mrs. Kristi presented Kade with...drum roll please...her new little fish as a gift. Wasn't that nice? Of course it was delivered with a, "...if it's ok with your Mom." Of course, I had large, brown eyes of a very proud, little boy looking up at me with a question on his heart that said, "Mom, please, I worked so hard."

And that is how we adopted "Goldy" our latest Little Fish.

The Family Photo

To do or not to do...that was the question?

The day was approaching. I had scheduled a professional photographer to come to my house and photograph my newest baby girl. She was almost seven-months old, and we hadn't even made it to Sear or Penny's or anywhere for photos. This task must be done, or I can just hear now how I never loved her as much as her brother. Well, since the photographer is coming anyway, I might as well have photos done of big brother Kade too, since it had been some time since nice pictures had been taken of him also. Well...it would be great to get some of them together and maybe with Dad. Oh, and I really do want some of Dad...we might as well just have the photographer take pictures of the whole family.

I begin to think to myself...Family photos? The anxiety is welling up in me...maybe I can postpone the pictures for a few months and get a few pounds off. I will call him tomorrow and reschedule. But, what about Autumn?? I need her pictures done. Now. What am I going to do?

This is the dialogue that ran in my head for days before something as simple as a family photo. For some, this is a great day full of pride and joy for the family you are a part of. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of my family, but not always proud of myself.

Forget that I am a great mom, wife, friend and kind and generous women in general, I AM FAT, and that changes all. It is so sad that having extra weight can be such a horrible prison.

As time passed, and I continued to think about pictures, I couldn't help but recognize that just as I want to preserve my kids as they are right now, they will someday want to see me and love me for who I am right now.

I am done apologizing for who I am right now. My kids need to know all of me - not just the fat me. So...here we are...all of us...and the real me.

My "Weighty" Issues

I am fat. There, I said it. What a relief just to say it.

I have been gaining weight since I was 19 yrs. old. I am 5’ 6”, and I graduated high school at 124 lbs. Today, I am 225 lbs.

My weight hasn't just affected my body image, it has effected my whole sense of self-worth. My voice has been silenced. I am scared of what society thinks my weight says about me. I am scared of what my weight says about me. I am scared. I have been scared for so long that I am not sure of who I am any more. My weight seems to dictate who I am, what I am capable of, how smart I am, and who my friends will be.

For many years I have stayed hidden from my weight. I like to stay away from cameras, and I find creative ways to crop pictures (the few I have) of myself to camo the rolls. Currently, I don’t even have a scale. I have avoided get-togethers, dances, shopping, etc. I even get nervous to eat in front of others, so I have avoided that at times too.

This issue has been on my mind (and body) for many years. What is wrong with me? Why is my weight so out of control? Would anyone like me if they saw the true me? Lately I have been asking, What am I willing to do to help myself?

This weighty issue has taken control of my life for way to long. It needs to stop. The time has come in my life to not hide for one more second. The only way to recovery for me is to be honest –brutally honest with myself, others and God.

I hope to use this blog as a way to chronicle my feelings about this issue and other issues leading to this. I hope you will follow along. I hope you won't judge (but I know many will). I hope that you will root me along. My hope is that I can show the true me and I will like her regardless of what you think of me.

This is a current picture of me at 225 lbs. It's one of the few photos that I found of myself. As you can see, I am trying to hide behind my kids. Typically, I would just crop most of my body out of the picture or just delete it all together. Ahh, the beauty of digital.

This is a photo of me at 124 lbs. My senior picture. I don't hold on to illusions that I will ever be this thin again, but it would be great to never allow my weight to control my life. This is the last time I felt like I had a good sense of self-worth.

NOT JUST ANOTHER RESOLUTION

My blogger idol and best friend, Kelly Buchholz (who has now got me blogging), put me on to this idea of making a "goals" list for 2007. I think it's important to post it b/c it has some accountability to it then. If the whole world can see it, I better try my best to reach each goal.

1. Read the whole Bible straight through.

2. Make more meals at home via Dinner's Ready.

3. Walk at least 15 min. everyday outside or on the treadmill. (Minimum-I know this sounds wimpy, but I must start somewhere.)

4. Read two classic novels. (I am starting with Catcher In the Rye.)

5. Work on friendship journal consitently.

6. Scrapbook 300 pages, i.e., 25/month or 6.25/week

7. Teach my infant daughter to swim.

8. Nap w/o guilt.

9. Pray daily for God's energy, strength, joy, and love to flow through me to my friends and family everyday.

10. Start an ongoing list of "Who I Am!" (This came from a funny little place. Do you remember the movie "Runaway Bride?" Do you remember the girl (Julia Roberts) didn't know who she was - she didn't even know how she liked her eggs. Since that movie, I would often ask myself...do I really know myself? So mentally I have made a list of all the little things that make me me, and I was thinking, I really should write them down as they come to me.

Testing 1...2...3...

This is my very first blog entry. I am just testing.