I have been gaining weight since I was 19 yrs. old. I am 5’ 6”, and I graduated high school at 124 lbs. Today, I am 225 lbs.
My weight hasn't just affected my body image, it has effected my whole sense of self-worth. My voice has been silenced. I am scared of what society thinks my weight says about me. I am scared of what my weight says about me. I am scared. I have been scared for so long that I am not sure of who I am any more. My weight seems to dictate who I am, what I am capable of, how smart I am, and who my friends will be.
For many years I have stayed hidden from my weight. I like to stay away from cameras, and I find creative ways to crop pictures (the few I have) of myself to camo the rolls. Currently, I don’t even have a scale. I have avoided get-togethers, dances, shopping, etc. I even get nervous to eat in front of others, so I have avoided that at times too.
This issue has been on my mind (and body) for many years. What is wrong with me? Why is my weight so out of control? Would anyone like me if they saw the true me? Lately I have been asking, What am I willing to do to help myself?
This weighty issue has taken control of my life for way to long. It needs to stop. The time has come in my life to not hide for one more second. The only way to recovery for me is to be honest –brutally honest with myself, others and God.
I hope to use this blog as a way to chronicle my feelings about this issue and other issues leading to this. I hope you will follow along. I hope you won't judge (but I know many will). I hope that you will root me along. My hope is that I can show the true me and I will like her regardless of what you think of me.
This is a current picture of me at 225 lbs. It's one of the few photos that I found of myself. As you can see, I am trying to hide behind my kids. Typically, I would just crop most of my body out of the picture or just delete it all together. Ahh, the beauty of digital.
This is a photo of me at 124 lbs. My senior picture. I don't hold on to illusions that I will ever be this thin again, but it would be great to never allow my weight to control my life. This is the last time I felt like I had a good sense of self-worth.
2 comments:
My heart-breakingly beautiful and immensely brave friend. I once had a blog entry that I never got around to finishing and posting that was called "When the elephant in the room is you" which was all about the silence that descends upon those of us who are overweight. There are things that you and I haven't even discussed about it, and while I knew this was an issue that we were both struggling with, I had no idea it was just as pervasive in your life - that we were both avoiding social situations at times because of it. Funny what comes out in blogs, isn't it?
Here's hoping that someday a world will exist where lines, bulges and imperfections will be celebrated instead of causing us to feel ashamed. Until then, from someone who knows you better than just about anyone on this Earth, I find you absolutely beautiful.
And hey - in the spirit of setting impossible goals in the hopes that the desire to reach them will overpower other temptations, today I decided that I will run in the San Francisco marathon when I'm 40. Wanna come?
Jacqui,
I love you regardless of how you feel and what you look like. You are an amazing woman of God. I am glad that we are friends.
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